fullness and deflation

forget me not

Pregnancy is an amazing feat. For the body to create a new human is beyond magical. I’ve always thought it was incredible that so much goes right with pregnancy and with this creation process. Smart bodies, smart cells.

With pregnancy there is a sense of fullness that arrives fairly quickly. It’s not just the belly that swells, the whole body becomes involved. That glow people speak of? I believe it comes from this fullness. You suddenly have more blood in your body, everything is working overtime for the purpose of growing a human, best behavior is required of your entire system to make this go smoothly. You have a VIP visitor and the body isn’t holding much back. In a very strange way your body takes on a mind of it’s own, sending unrelenting messages and cravings to the stomach as different needs arise and forcing a slowing down, a resting as energy is diverted.

And when the body recognizes that something is not going as it should, that growing isn’t happening perhaps, or some of those chromosomes just aren’t viable, or maybe a virus intruded and changed development in a way, then it often shuts down the factory. This also is amazing to me. Our bodies, they are so, so very intelligent without much help from our conscious minds.

With this recognition, though, also comes a certain deflation. Those birthday balloons that are left tied outside just a day too long, still full but sinking to the ground? That is the feeling. It can be so subtle. And you might get some raised eyebrows as you describe the changes and feelings to others. But the deflation is there.

Going through this whole process has been incredible. I wish the pregnancy had not ended, but also am at peace with it. My body is far more intuitive than I am, and I’m sure it recognized a problem going on.

The interesting part to me has been the aftermath. When you get pregnant, that magic number of 12 weeks lingers above your head. Don’t tell people until after your first trimester! And yet you are wearing down a path to the restroom every 5 minutes, you’ve become a total bloodhound and can smell a tuna sandwich from two buildings over (unfortunately), you can’t stand to have anything pressing on your poor queasy ┬ástomach so have taken to wearing flowing clothing long before they were needed, and you are ravenously hungry all day long… it’s all exciting and amazing, but you aren’t able to really share with many people during those early days. And then things go wrong, you have to unexpectedly work from home, take a sick day, fall behind on everything, and people start to ask questions.

I debated at first. But then decided that I needed to be open with some people to process all of it. And it has been therapeutic beyond belief. Every single person I have shared with has come back to me with stories of their own miscarriages, or those of their friends or family members, and many had a success story to follow closely behind. For me it didn’t take away from the loss of a baby we wanted (and I use the “b” word loosely, I know it was only at the embryonic stage), and it doesn’t take away from the pain of the procedure, or the stress of the 6-hour emergency department visit that my sweet parents endured while my partner was traveling. But it does normalize all of it. I’ve created this little community around me. “We’ve been there, too, you will be okay.”

I needed that net. I needed to see the knowing nods, the fleeting look of sadness, but overall the look of toughness. People go through this all the time. And sometimes many times. And it’s okay. For now I choose to thank my body for being wise, and to keep up hope that our time will still come.

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20 Comments

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20 responses to “fullness and deflation

  1. Barbara Cooney

    So beautifully captures both the excitement of pregnancy and the sadness of loss. So proud of you! Love you, Mom

  2. Tom Cooney

    I am so glad I was alone when I read this beautiful, brave and heartfelt piece. You never cease to amaze me.

    Love, Dad

  3. Amy Cirella

    So sorry Maura .. But yes you are right Mother Nature does know best sometimes… Sending love xxoo

  4. Janine Benner

    Moe,

    How exciting and tragic at the same time! That’s so cool that you two are trying for a baby but I’m so sorry you had to go through losing a pregnancy. It happened to me last spring, actually – I was pregnant for almost 10 weeks and then I started bleeding and the heartbeat stopped. I thought you did such a good job in this post of capturing the feelings that I felt. Fullness and deflation are exactly right. And it was amazing how many people with similar experiences came out of the woodwork to share with me. You are certainly not alone.

    And I hope that, if you want to, you’ll keep trying for a baby. I got pregnant 4 months later and this one has lasted! I can’t believe I only have 4-ish weeks left before he’s born. I did end up having a lot of respect for my body in determining that the pregnancy last spring was just not right and shouldn’t go on. Our bodies can be frustrating, but amazing.

    Anyway, I’m thinking about you and would be happy to talk about all this if it would be helpful.

    Love you!

    Janine

    Sent from my iPad

    • Thank you, Neen! I’m so sorry you went through that last spring, but I’m so incredibly happy and excited for your newest little one to arrive, can’t wait to meet him! Love you, too :)

  5. Adrienne

    Oh, Maura. Lots of peace to you.

  6. Love in the Suburbs

    I am so sorry. Be gentle with yourself. Feel everything. I’m sending you love.

  7. Beth

    Maura,
    I was shocked, saddened, and awestruck by this entry. I haven’t spoken with Barb for a month or so, so I had no idea that you had been through this rollercoaster ride. I am so sorry for your loss but happy for your commitment to your partner and your own wonderful abilities and spirit.

    Be well and heal. Many more people love you than you know.

    Beth

    • Hi, Beth! We were just getting to the point of sharing with people when things took a turn, kind of in that weird “no-man’s land” of telling our parents and a couple of friends, but not many others. Thank you so much for your sweet note, hope all of you are doing well. xo

  8. Vanessa Carr

    Take good care of yourself, and keep honoring your wondrous body as you heal your heart.

  9. Tina

    I’m repeatedly reminded how little our conscious mind knows of what our bodies do for us. This piece captures it perfectly. I’m sorry that it wasn’t to be this time. I hope it doesn’t deter you when your body has healed and is ready to begin anew.

  10. molly doherty

    I had no idea Maura. I’m so sorry for this loss. your post was so thoughtful and insightful. I’m sure, not only did it help others , but was also cathartic.
    everyone wants to know everything – and I greatly respect those who -if they decide to- unveil private thoughts/events/etc when the time is right FOR THEM. big hearts to you. I know we are not very close these days but I love seeing your IG pics and I want you to know I’m always sending big hugs to you from charm city. xo

    • Thank you so much, Molly! It was definitely a bit of a rough road, but overall feel like I’m getting to a better place. I did debate for awhile about posting, but ultimately did feel it was cathartic to share with others.

      I love seeing snippets of your life, and I adore those two big bears of yours! So fun to watch their antics. Big hugs back your way. xo

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